That’s right boys and girls, after months of cancellations and reschedulings, the big par-tay you’ve all been waiting for finally happened for realz…
… And guess who scored a guest pass!
That’s right, your girl Roxxy here with the inside scoop on the HAWTTEST event of the season, and Oh. My. God. Emperor. is there ever an inside to scoop!
We all knew Harlan Autumnhall was the HAWTEST thing to hit the market since, like… ever. And we all knew that his family’s deep pockets were gonna guarantee that the celebration was gonna be OFF THE CHAIN, but even by the high standards of yours truly, this was REDONCKULUS.
Inquisitors! Space Marines! Xeno ambassadors! Genestealer trophies!
But you’re here for the juicy bits, aren’t you? Well, perk up your ears, kiddies, because your fearless reporter (that’s me!) has got the straight dope on just who might have the inside track to the heart (and other bits) of the Calixis Sector’s most eligible bachelor!
Mister Harlan, magnificent cagey bastard that he is, played his cards close to his chest, dancing with just about every girl present exactly once… starting with Lady Selena Veltenstone. That’s his pet Astropath, for those of you who aren’t keeping score. Not much competition from that score, though, unless he’s, like, a total pervert (and not in the good way that Roxxy secretly hopes he is!). Cuz she’s, like, eleven.
(Seriously, though, whoever wins the big race is most likely gonna find she has an extra teenage daughter as part of the package. Like, a creepy psyker teenage daughter. Brrrrrr.)
Anyways, Harlan tried not to show any favoritism, but Roxxy’s got sharp eyes, and with a good disguise and no silly press pass, she got the low-down on just who’s got the inside track, and who just… doesn’t.
- First of all, Kiya Cloud was no-where in evidence. If the rumors are right (when are they ever wrong?) and she’s his squeeze, then she’s gotta be throwing one HELL
of a tirade now. She was never a serious contender because, like, who’s ever HEARD
of her (huh?), but now she’s just been told that, loud and clear.
- ESLUTsabeth Blackley looks like she’s trying, from the way she grabbed a double handful of his ASS and practically stuck her tongue in his ear. Seriously, though, Lizzie, who do you think you’re fooling? You might have an AWESOME rejuvenant team, but you’re over two hundred years OLD, and you’re not anywhere near his rank, and everybody knows you’re a RAGING SLUT, anyway. Die in a fire, Lizzie.
- Daviana Krin. Girl, you need to eat a sandwich or three, because anything you wear just looks like a sack. No wonder Harlan let even that slut Lizzie cut you dead. Go hide your ass in the Golgenna Reach, girl… at least until you figure out how to put some curves on it.
- Claudine Blackbriar. Apparently the Lord Captain isn’t into tomboys. She cleaned up nice enough for the party, but He was clearly not biting at the bait.
- Saara Vostegarde. Can she even open her mouth without putting her foot in it? Harlan’s eyes were rolling so hard I was worried He might sprain something.
- Anastasia Mangonnel…. didn’t even show. I don’t know WHAT the Mangonnels were thinking here… this would be a huge coup for them, and they’re rich and smart enough to pull it off. But Your Fearless Correspondent searched every shadowy corner, and while there were a lot of tall willowy blondes, not a single Mangonnel was in evidence. Were they actually NOT INVITED? Horrifying thought.
- The Forsellis sisters. Scuttlebutt has it Himself is partial to redheads (somebody fetch Roxxy that bottle of dye!), and they certainly fit the bill. Besides, your fearless reporter SAW Selene and one of the twins go into one of the private rooms with him, and while she didn’t HEAR any hanky-panky going on, it did sound like they had a LOT of catching up to do, so there no ruling out the possibility that there’s already been some hanky AND panky (possibly even spanky) in the past.
Now, most people would put their money on Selene. She’s the oldest, so whoever gets her, gets their mitts on all that Forsellis loot (almost makes Roxxy wish she were a boy), and Harlan’s no dummy… he’ll see the sense in mixing business with pleasure.
But personally, I wouldn’t count that twin out yet. I think it was Sibelle. Simone is rumored to still be sweet on Christophe Armengarde (Come on, girl. Like, SOOOOO last year. And NO, Roxxy did NOT write a breathless column back then about how utterly HAWT he was. She just DIDN’T. She was saving herself for Harlan.)
Anyways, Sibelle may have a trick or to two up her sleeve yet. She certainly wasn’t backing off last night. If she could persuade her father to split the estate, Harlan probably wouldn’t care about the title too much. And both the twins are just as pretty as their sister (can’t call ’em HOT with the way they all dress, though… seriously, girls, would it KILL you to show a little SKIN once in a while?)
- Felicity Lockhart. Okay, so it’s not the BESTEST financial move Himself could make. But have you seen how SEKSI this girl is? He has to have noticed. I hate her already. Somebody bring Roxxy her head. I’d be SOOOO grateful. (Just kidding, Felicity. You know everyone loves you. Don’t steal Him from me. Please?)
- Elizabeth Orleans. Yeah, I know, what the hell, right? She’s all business, and dresses like a guy. Soooooooooo boring. Girl, you got loads of nice hair and your nose is cute, why would you do this?
But from an all business view, not a bad move. Her connections with his resources and cunning? Meh, I hope not. God Emperor, that would be drab. They were certainly into their dance, though. And I think I saw her crack a smile for maybe the very first time in, like, her life. And then for the second.
What? It could happen. Our dance was LOVELY. And I got a kiss! (Okay, so it was on the hand. Shuttup.) Dun think he knew who I was without my signature pink hair, but your intrepid girl reporter squeezed her bootylicious self into something SEKSI, and Himself’s eyes were CERTAINLY wandering. Maybe his hands a little, too.
If only I had brought a glass slipper to leave on the steps. Hey, a girl can dream, right?
So who is Roxxy’s money on?
Well, pleasant dreams aside, the smart bet is probably Selene Forsellis, although personally, your girl would cover her options with a little side bet on Sibelle.
Orleans is the smart business move, Lockheart’s the girl most any man would want to wake up next to, but let’s face it, the Forsellis girls are a close second on both fronts, and he’ll realize that.
But the race ain’t over yet, girls.
Advice from Roxxy: you want Harlan, cosy up to that creepy psyker girl. He takes her, like, everywhere, kneels down to look her in the eye when he talks to her, and he even carried her upstairs HIMSELF when she fell asleep. He may be too young to be her dad for realzies, but it looks like our man of the hour got himself a stepdaughter before he got himself a wife.
Get her to start calling you mom, and it’s wedding bells, and you’re the next Lady Autumnhall.
Roxxy would do it herself, but psykers are scary. She’s just gonna have to hope. And maybe bring a glass slipper next time.
For your attention, my Lord. Should I have it suppressed?
- Ulrich Malmstein
Oh, so that’s why that strange giggling woman had dyed her hair brown. No, Malmstein, there is no such thing as bad publicity.